Patient #7: Lucky Snr

Lucky Snr has a fairly common syndrome in the population:

Feline Paranoia Syndrome (FPS)

Unlike what most people believe, this syndrome is not the fear of cats themselves, ailurophobia. In fact, people with FPS love cats and possibly own a few them. The most common symptom for this illness is the fear that their felines are plotting against them but they can’t stop loving them. Cats have been known to exhibit some intelligent behavior and world domination attributes. But with this illness, it is blown out of proportion.

FPS causes conflicting data in the brain. The person loves cats and wants to be around them, but the paranoia of harmful things causes irrational thoughts and possibly actions. People with FPS see things differently. For instance, when a cat brings home a dead animal (mouse, bird, etc.), a non-FPS person views this as a gift—a way the cat shows his appreciation for the work you do for him. This is like getting a payment. They pat the kitty on the head and then dispose of the carcass. For someone who has FPS, they view this act as a way for the cat to show its murder capabilities. How gruesome the death of the animal, the more terrifying the reaction for a FPS sufferer! Watch out for headless chipmunks!

This behavior soon spreads to other animals such as their dogs. People with FPS believe that the dogs are “telling” them something bad about the pet cat. For example, a FPS sufferer will view that a dog that needs to go for a walk often does not really need to urinate, but it is his way to get the human out of the house before the cat employs its diabolical plan. The dog is their alliance against the cat.

FPS sufferers also have strange affiliations with other animals. Lucky Snr, in particular, has been known to have strong ties with lizards.  Numerous photos of lizards have been found on her hard drive.  

Other symptoms of FPS include: shortness (of height, not breath), headaches, dizziness, obsessive compulsive disorder (being close to animals), drinking Strongbow, sleeping disturbances, and muscle aches.

FPS treatment is available, but success rates vary among individuals. Treatment includes: psychotherapy, support groups, and medication.

Note: medication can cause confusion, headaches, speech problems, double vision, seizures, and death.

If you believe that you or someone has FPS, please consult with your primary care physician. Options are available for you!

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