Patient #8: "The Pirate" [Arrrrgh!]

The Pirate (as this person is so known as) has an unusual illness:

Feline Piracy Basket Syndrome (FPBS)

No, this is not where a person stills kitty cats in baskets, although I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen. FPBS has three distinguishing features that set it apart from other illnesses.

First, the person has an obsessive compulsive disorder with cats. This person may own several pets of the feline persuasion; collect fake cats (i.e., freeze dried cats—like the little coffee crystals *Mama’s Family reference—loved that show*, figurines); hoards pictures of real and painted cats, owns cat-like objects (purses shaped like cats or made of cat fur); wears cat-like items (t-shirts, sunglasses, etc.); and has impulsive tendencies to feed any cat that comes across his/her path.

Second, the person has an obsessive compulsive disorder with winning baskets from Chinese Auctions. To become happy and content with their lives, FPBS sufferers must participate and win some kind of basket on a regular basis. This means they must attend festivals or bingos, usually on a weekly basis. If asked if they have a gambling problem, they should answer "I don't have a problem gambling." Not only does the person like to put their tickets in to win baskets, he/she enjoys putting down cat names instead of their own names (see above about Cat OCD.) Researchers have indicated that this mistaken in identity might be a slowly developing brain disorder that results with the person finally believing that he/she is a cat. Hopefully, the FPBS sufferer has sought help before it has reached this stage.

Finally, the person has pirate attributes. The person might have a peg leg, an eye patch, full pirate regalia….This actually can be quite entertaining to us doctors. Anyway, FPBS sufferers feel the need to randomly spurt out into Piratese [pirate language]. In accordance with the feline obsession, most FPBS sufferers do not have a parrot to keep them company, but they do enjoy hooks….

FPBS is not a contagious illness, and it is unclear how one acquires it. Speculations have been made that considered hormonal imbalances, radiation, head contusions or brain damage (accidental or self-inflicted), and sports-related injuries.

Medication has been prescribed for some patients with FPBS, although these have resulted in a 78.3% failure rate. (It seems the symptoms are very powerful for the likes of modern medicine.) FPBS is a complex syndrome that requires more moderating in the medical community.

If you believe you have FPBS and want to try this medication, please contact your PCP (primary care physician). They can monitor the prescription and use you as guinea pig.

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