Patient #7: Lucky Snr

Lucky Snr has a fairly common syndrome in the population:

Feline Paranoia Syndrome (FPS)

Unlike what most people believe, this syndrome is not the fear of cats themselves, ailurophobia. In fact, people with FPS love cats and possibly own a few them. The most common symptom for this illness is the fear that their felines are plotting against them but they can’t stop loving them. Cats have been known to exhibit some intelligent behavior and world domination attributes. But with this illness, it is blown out of proportion.

FPS causes conflicting data in the brain. The person loves cats and wants to be around them, but the paranoia of harmful things causes irrational thoughts and possibly actions. People with FPS see things differently. For instance, when a cat brings home a dead animal (mouse, bird, etc.), a non-FPS person views this as a gift—a way the cat shows his appreciation for the work you do for him. This is like getting a payment. They pat the kitty on the head and then dispose of the carcass. For someone who has FPS, they view this act as a way for the cat to show its murder capabilities. How gruesome the death of the animal, the more terrifying the reaction for a FPS sufferer! Watch out for headless chipmunks!

This behavior soon spreads to other animals such as their dogs. People with FPS believe that the dogs are “telling” them something bad about the pet cat. For example, a FPS sufferer will view that a dog that needs to go for a walk often does not really need to urinate, but it is his way to get the human out of the house before the cat employs its diabolical plan. The dog is their alliance against the cat.

FPS sufferers also have strange affiliations with other animals. Lucky Snr, in particular, has been known to have strong ties with lizards.  Numerous photos of lizards have been found on her hard drive.  

Other symptoms of FPS include: shortness (of height, not breath), headaches, dizziness, obsessive compulsive disorder (being close to animals), drinking Strongbow, sleeping disturbances, and muscle aches.

FPS treatment is available, but success rates vary among individuals. Treatment includes: psychotherapy, support groups, and medication.

Note: medication can cause confusion, headaches, speech problems, double vision, seizures, and death.

If you believe that you or someone has FPS, please consult with your primary care physician. Options are available for you!

Related Postings:
Concocting Violaceous Slytherite Disorder
Random Happy Dance Disorder
Bearded Dragon Disease
Feline Piracy Basket Syndrome 

Patient # 6: Ellen

Don’t contact me, I’ll contact you is Dr. Carm’s motto. It works very well for a doctor of Dr. Carm’s standing. Anyway, today’s patient is Ellen DeGeneres. Yes, I know many of you are wondering what ails Ellen. She seems so healthy. Plus, she has a TV show! Well, unfortunately, not everyone can be as healthy as Dr. Carm.

Ellen suffers from

Random Happy Dance Disorder (RHDD)

Surprisingly, this is not the first patient that Dr. Carm has come across with this condition. A few years before she became a certified fake doctor, Dr. Carm met another person who would randomly break out into dance. She found the disorder fascinating and has been trying to locate another case to study.

RHDD can strike at any moment, which causes the person to break out in random dances, especially when there is music. (Please note that music is not necessary to trigger RHDD.) RHDD sufferers do not understand the reason why they must dance. They only know that they feel happier when they do. It also makes those surrounding them entertained by watching or participating in the RHD. This feeds into the disorder.

Also, whenever the RHDD sufferer dances, the whole world stops and she becomes one with all that is good and pure in the world. [What exactly is the “good and pure in the world”? Little baby kittens? White fluffy clouds? Chocolate? Dr. Carm doesn’t know. She’s too busy to worry about such things. All that matters is that it happens.]

As the dancer continues, she becomes obsessed to relive this wonderful moment over and over again. Unfortunately, the human body can only take so much, so either the person learns to balance out the dancing (hence the RHDD) or dies.

The source of this disease is still unknown. It is hard for scientists to catch and maintain such people to perform experiments and tests on. For some reason, shooting random people who are dancing with tranquilizers is frowned upon by law enforcement. Therefore, much research still needs to be done.

 What we do know:
~ RHDD can be very contagious and those who suffer from it should be extremely careful in public areas. Plastic bubbles might have to be used on the RHDD sufferer.

 -        ~ RHDD can lead to other diseases such as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorders). For instance, Dr. Carm noticed one RHDD sufferer had an obsession with making milkshakes. [Ah, yes! Rozey made the best milkshakes…] Other obsessions can include things like caring for animals, playing silly games, scaring people, and underwear.

~ RHDD does not go away. The person will die from RHDD…eventually.

~ Breaking a RHDD person’s legs will not permanently stop the dancing. [Don’t ask how we know this.]

-        Finally, although this is incurable, it should not discourage the patients. They should…just dance!

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Remember if you want to be diagnosed, send Dr. Carm an email: drcarmelee@gmail.com

Related Postings:

Bearded Dragon Disease

Verisimilitude Eremita Syndrome

Folivora Ananas Comosus Disease
Overly-Abundant Poker Disorder

Patient #5: Heather

Heather is a new patient of Dr. Carm and has a rather interesting disorder:

Concocting Violaceous Slytherite Disorder (CVSD) 

This blood disorder affects the body in different ways. Some of the more common signs and symptoms include:

1.   Craftiness: Dr. Carm uses the word craftiness here to mean both cunning and creative. People with CVSD can be both or just one. Those who take on the creative side of craftiness exhibit strange characteristics. For instance, they might find that they can only knit duck socks.

2.   Purple: This symptom is constant throughout all CVSD sufferers. When given a choice between red, purple, and olive, they all like the color purple. Some may be more particular with the shade of purple, but it remains that the color purple is their favorite color out of the list. Doctors have argued that this is because the color purple creates a more stable blood flow to CVSD sufferers. Red increases the blood flow, while olive decreases it. Those with CVSD unconsciously prefer more stability, because of their blood disorder.

3.   Slytherite¹: These people match flawlessly with the traits created by J. K. Rowling’s Slytherin house in Harry Potter. They are cunning, resourceful, and ambitious. Slytherin also corresponds to water, which is also why CVSD sufferers enjoy a nice drink (although this does not have to be water.) It’s amazing that Rowling created Slytherins to be so similar to the CVS disorder!

Other possible symptoms include: being in the sun, reading, listening to British accents, and breathing.

CVSD does not have a cure, and most sufferers prefer not to have one. Interestingly enough, they can function in society without too much difficulty. Unless one really knew the person, most people would never suspect a person to have CVSD. This is believed to be part of the cunningness exhibited by the person. Once the symptoms are pointed out, more people are able to recognize the disorder.

For those looking for treatment, they should seek out their primary care physician. Blood tests will be done to verify the blood disorder and possible treatment plans for the symptoms can be discussed. As of yet, no one with CVSD has sought treatment. Therefire, it is undetermined how well the treatments work.

¹ Slytherite is a word created by J. K. Rowling in her early drafts.

Related Postings:
Patient #1: Kayla 
Patient #2: Sam 
Patient #9: OCBD