Patient #1: Kayla

Kayla has many interesting medical conditions. Recently, she was diagnosed OHDD—Obsessive Hosiery Dislocation Disorder. According to Mike Adams, the Health Ranger, (2005), OHDD is

“characterized by a frantic household search for the other sock of any given sock pairs. Victims of this disease, when finding only one sock from a pair, feel the universe has fallen into a state of great imbalance that can only be restored through the recovery of the missing sock. Victims may also become sock-dependent, whereby they repeatedly buy new socks in the hopes that sheer sock volume will make up for the universal imbalance caused by dislocated socks. In advanced stages, this disease causes people to safety-pin their socks together in the wash.”

I had a chance to conduct some tests and observations to add another disease to her medical files.

BDD - Bearded Dragon Disease

This potentially hereditary disease is not too uncommon in the human world. BDD is a debilitating disease that causes the person to act like a bearded dragon. Although scales do not actually appear until later in adulthood, some have been found on young adults in their 20s.

Symptoms for BDD can happen as early as 3 years old but is not usually noticeable until one reaches puberty. The two main symptoms include:

1) Feeling constantly cold even though everyone else is excruciating hot; and

2) Obsession with being in the sun

People with this disease cannot handle cloudy or rainy days. They cope in any way they can—some resorting to laying in front of a space heater all day.

Other side effects can include growing a beard—or technically, continually wearing a giant scarf wrapped around one’s neck for optimal heat retention.

Most people who suffer from BDD find day temperatures to be comfortable between 76 and 86 degrees Fahrenheit, with basking range between 90-100 degrees Fahrenheit. They do prefer a slightly cooler temperature at night to sleep (in the 70s).

Although there is no cure for the dreaded BDD, it is possible to live a normal life. Most people with BDD tend to move to a more accommodating environment—one that has sunny, warm days. For those unfortunate enough to live in colder, cloudier environments there are some basic steps to help relieve some of their symptoms.

They should invest in heating lights, heating pads, and space heaters. They should spend at least 8 hours in the sun daily. Those who have careers indoors should collaborate with their supervisors to allow them to work outside during hot, sunny days. Whenever days are cold or cloudy, the supervisor should set up a special habitat that would include a giant sun lamp and heating system.

With well laid plans, one with BDD can live a fully functional life.

[Picture from wiki]

For more of Mike Adams’s diseases, please see  http://www.naturalnews.com/011506.html#ixzz1x8Z2e5RC


Related Postings:
Patient #2: Sam

Patient #5: Heather
Patient #9: OCBD
Patient #10: JFFGD

Patient #11: The Poker

The Poker has a recent illness. This illness is the dreaded....

 Overly-Abundant Poker Disorder (OAPD)

Usually the disorder begins with harmless poking through instant messaging or Facebook. Soon, it escalates into a full blown poking war, where the person on the receiving end is bombard with endless, merciless poking. *pokes*

*clears throat* Bruises have been reported.

In the final stages of the disorder, *pokes* 

...the patient takes his or her poking outside the virtual world and into the real world. OAPD sufferers start out with friends and family poking, but then move on to random strangers. OAPD sufferers have been to walk by people and poke them in the side. They run off quickly so that they cannot be poked back.

Although there is no cure, two methods have been tried with a 47% rate (depending on the level of the illness.) 

*pokes* STOP THAT!

Chinese Finger Traps have been known to scale down the poke attacks. However, eventually OAPD sufferers escape to continue with their mass poking.

 Picture from Wiki

Total finger removal has the highest success rate, but severe cases of OAPD find other means of poking (eg. one's foot or elbow). This ends up being more painful for the pokee.

If you believe you have OAPD, please consult with your physicians. They should take the necessary precautions and meet with you in a full bubble suit.

Related Postings:Feline Piracy Basket Syndrome
Random Happy Dance Disorder
Feline Paranoia Syndrome

Patient #10 JFFGD Sufferers

Jamie Fraser Fan Girl Disorder (JFFGD)

Dr. Carm has noticed a few people with this disorder. First, let Dr. Carm explain that Jamie Fraser is not a real person, but a character in the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon (yes, the one that wrote the Butt Cooties, see here). Anyway, JFFGD has the following symptoms:

First, JFFGD sufferers have a compulsive disorder with the series. You may find them reading and re-reading the series as well as the Lord John Grey series (which also features Jamie Fraser as a character.) This compulsive disorder may render the person incapable of reading other books or stories soon after because they are stuck on Jamie Fraser. In addition, the sufferers might also spend large quantities of time online discussing and viewing anything that might seem remotely related to Jamie Fraser. This includes blogs, forums, Youtube videos, personal discussions, and fanart.

Second, JFFGD sufferers might randomly break out in a Scottish accent. For those that are Scottish, it might be hard to tell. Anyway, they could speak or write using the accent—which is verra interesting, ye ken? They might also revert to 18^th century idioms and phrases, which is the time period of the books. Therefore, dinna fash yerself if they call ye Himself or Herself.

Third, JFFGD sufferers might resort into trying to go through the standing stones (which is how the 20^th century heroine goes back in time.) Do not be alarmed if you pass by a circle of standing stones to find people wearing 18^th century garb wondering around. These are more than likely JFFGD sufferers and should only be approached with caution.

Finally, if you are a tall redheaded man, please do not approach or be seen by JFFGD sufferers. They might attack you. Well, technically they might try to kidnap you and ask you questions pertaining to Jamie Fraser. Their delusions might also cause them to see the characters of the book in regular people. These character-look-alikes also need to be careful. For instance, a woman with lots of dark curly hair, amber eyes, and speaks with a British accent might find herself in trouble with the JFFGD sufferers, because they might mistaken her for Jamie Fraser's wife. Remember these patients should be approached with extreme caution.

JFFGD is not the only fan girl disorder out there. There are many in fact—each one with its own symptoms and intensity. What should be done?

Well, unless you are a trained doctor, you would want to appease them and keep your distance. Although JFFGD does not cause violent behavior, they can be provoked into protecting the “Jamie Fraser” of their mind.

To be cured of the JFFGD, total removal of anything related to Jamie Fraser should be done. This is a tremendous task which more than likely will cause the JFFGD sufferer to act out violently. Care should be taken and this should only be attempted by a trained professional. Note: Elephant tranquilizers might be needed.

If you believe you have JFFGD, please consult with your primary care physician.



Related Postings:The Pirate
Random Happy Dance Disorder
Concocting Violaceous Slytherite Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Book Disorder

Patient #9: Too many patients with this one!

Dr. Carm has noticed a lot of her acquaintances with this disorder. She believes there is an epidemic going around! “What is it?” you asked? Well, it’s….

Obsessive Compulsive Book Disorder (OCBD)

Yes, this is a psychological disorder that affects many people. This disorder basically renders the person as a book-aholic (as it is sometimes known as.)

Symptoms include the following:

Excessive book activities. People with this disorder must read, own, and borrow many books. Reading, smelling, feeling, and for some tasting books are a source of pleasure. Without books, their world falls apart. As the OCBD advances, this disorder takes on other forms of reading such as magazines, newspaper, web articles, pamphlets, ingredient labels, and those annoying pillow tags.

Breathing fire. Okay, I’m joking on this one. OCBD only has the one symptom listed above, but it would be so much fun to breathe fire!

Anyway, OCBD can cause the person to do odd things compared to those who do not have OCBD. They would forgo events to stay at home with a good book. They get giddy when they purchase books at a great discount. They are practically unbearable until the next book in a series comes out. Insomnia can occur because they have to finish the book or chapter. They feel the loss of character sometimes more so than someone they know in real life. Obsessive disorders with the characters or author are very likely to occur. Many OCBD sufferers enter giveaways for free and advanced copies of books, read (yes read!!!) blogs about books and reviews, belong to websites such as Goodreads, own an electronic reader (such as a Kindle or Nook), uses their library card more than their credit cards, and run out of spaces for their books at home. Finally, any misuse of a book might cause the person to suffer physical, emotional, and/or psychological damage, courtesy of the OCBD sufferer that catches him or her.

OCBD has no cure. Doctors tend to treat this order much the same way as they do for other OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) cases. Unfortunately, most sufferers are blissfully happy in their current state that they do not seek medical attention. What is more alarming is the waiting rooms of doctors who treat these patients! They have reading material in the waiting room!!!! This only encourages the disorder.
If you feel that your OCBD is getting out of hand, please contact your primary care physician. Worst case scenario is death.


Related Postings:Patient #1: Kayla
Patient #2: Sam
Patient #3: Lyra
Patient #4: Desiree
Patient #5: Heather
Patient #10:  JFFGD

Patient #8: "The Pirate" [Arrrrgh!]

The Pirate (as this person is so known as) has an unusual illness:

Feline Piracy Basket Syndrome (FPBS)

No, this is not where a person stills kitty cats in baskets, although I wouldn’t be surprised if it did happen. FPBS has three distinguishing features that set it apart from other illnesses.

First, the person has an obsessive compulsive disorder with cats. This person may own several pets of the feline persuasion; collect fake cats (i.e., freeze dried cats—like the little coffee crystals *Mama’s Family reference—loved that show*, figurines); hoards pictures of real and painted cats, owns cat-like objects (purses shaped like cats or made of cat fur); wears cat-like items (t-shirts, sunglasses, etc.); and has impulsive tendencies to feed any cat that comes across his/her path.

Second, the person has an obsessive compulsive disorder with winning baskets from Chinese Auctions. To become happy and content with their lives, FPBS sufferers must participate and win some kind of basket on a regular basis. This means they must attend festivals or bingos, usually on a weekly basis. If asked if they have a gambling problem, they should answer "I don't have a problem gambling." Not only does the person like to put their tickets in to win baskets, he/she enjoys putting down cat names instead of their own names (see above about Cat OCD.) Researchers have indicated that this mistaken in identity might be a slowly developing brain disorder that results with the person finally believing that he/she is a cat. Hopefully, the FPBS sufferer has sought help before it has reached this stage.

Finally, the person has pirate attributes. The person might have a peg leg, an eye patch, full pirate regalia….This actually can be quite entertaining to us doctors. Anyway, FPBS sufferers feel the need to randomly spurt out into Piratese [pirate language]. In accordance with the feline obsession, most FPBS sufferers do not have a parrot to keep them company, but they do enjoy hooks….

FPBS is not a contagious illness, and it is unclear how one acquires it. Speculations have been made that considered hormonal imbalances, radiation, head contusions or brain damage (accidental or self-inflicted), and sports-related injuries.

Medication has been prescribed for some patients with FPBS, although these have resulted in a 78.3% failure rate. (It seems the symptoms are very powerful for the likes of modern medicine.) FPBS is a complex syndrome that requires more moderating in the medical community.

If you believe you have FPBS and want to try this medication, please contact your PCP (primary care physician). They can monitor the prescription and use you as guinea pig.

Related Postings:

The Patch

Patient #7: Lucky Snr

Blind Leading the Blind

Patient #7: Lucky Snr

Lucky Snr has a fairly common syndrome in the population:

Feline Paranoia Syndrome (FPS)

Unlike what most people believe, this syndrome is not the fear of cats themselves, ailurophobia. In fact, people with FPS love cats and possibly own a few them. The most common symptom for this illness is the fear that their felines are plotting against them but they can’t stop loving them. Cats have been known to exhibit some intelligent behavior and world domination attributes. But with this illness, it is blown out of proportion.

FPS causes conflicting data in the brain. The person loves cats and wants to be around them, but the paranoia of harmful things causes irrational thoughts and possibly actions. People with FPS see things differently. For instance, when a cat brings home a dead animal (mouse, bird, etc.), a non-FPS person views this as a gift—a way the cat shows his appreciation for the work you do for him. This is like getting a payment. They pat the kitty on the head and then dispose of the carcass. For someone who has FPS, they view this act as a way for the cat to show its murder capabilities. How gruesome the death of the animal, the more terrifying the reaction for a FPS sufferer! Watch out for headless chipmunks!

This behavior soon spreads to other animals such as their dogs. People with FPS believe that the dogs are “telling” them something bad about the pet cat. For example, a FPS sufferer will view that a dog that needs to go for a walk often does not really need to urinate, but it is his way to get the human out of the house before the cat employs its diabolical plan. The dog is their alliance against the cat.

FPS sufferers also have strange affiliations with other animals. Lucky Snr, in particular, has been known to have strong ties with lizards.  Numerous photos of lizards have been found on her hard drive.  

Other symptoms of FPS include: shortness (of height, not breath), headaches, dizziness, obsessive compulsive disorder (being close to animals), drinking Strongbow, sleeping disturbances, and muscle aches.

FPS treatment is available, but success rates vary among individuals. Treatment includes: psychotherapy, support groups, and medication.

Note: medication can cause confusion, headaches, speech problems, double vision, seizures, and death.

If you believe that you or someone has FPS, please consult with your primary care physician. Options are available for you!

Related Postings:
Concocting Violaceous Slytherite Disorder
Random Happy Dance Disorder
Bearded Dragon Disease
Feline Piracy Basket Syndrome 

Patient # 6: Ellen

Don’t contact me, I’ll contact you is Dr. Carm’s motto. It works very well for a doctor of Dr. Carm’s standing. Anyway, today’s patient is Ellen DeGeneres. Yes, I know many of you are wondering what ails Ellen. She seems so healthy. Plus, she has a TV show! Well, unfortunately, not everyone can be as healthy as Dr. Carm.

Ellen suffers from

Random Happy Dance Disorder (RHDD)

Surprisingly, this is not the first patient that Dr. Carm has come across with this condition. A few years before she became a certified fake doctor, Dr. Carm met another person who would randomly break out into dance. She found the disorder fascinating and has been trying to locate another case to study.

RHDD can strike at any moment, which causes the person to break out in random dances, especially when there is music. (Please note that music is not necessary to trigger RHDD.) RHDD sufferers do not understand the reason why they must dance. They only know that they feel happier when they do. It also makes those surrounding them entertained by watching or participating in the RHD. This feeds into the disorder.

Also, whenever the RHDD sufferer dances, the whole world stops and she becomes one with all that is good and pure in the world. [What exactly is the “good and pure in the world”? Little baby kittens? White fluffy clouds? Chocolate? Dr. Carm doesn’t know. She’s too busy to worry about such things. All that matters is that it happens.]

As the dancer continues, she becomes obsessed to relive this wonderful moment over and over again. Unfortunately, the human body can only take so much, so either the person learns to balance out the dancing (hence the RHDD) or dies.

The source of this disease is still unknown. It is hard for scientists to catch and maintain such people to perform experiments and tests on. For some reason, shooting random people who are dancing with tranquilizers is frowned upon by law enforcement. Therefore, much research still needs to be done.

 What we do know:
~ RHDD can be very contagious and those who suffer from it should be extremely careful in public areas. Plastic bubbles might have to be used on the RHDD sufferer.

 -        ~ RHDD can lead to other diseases such as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorders). For instance, Dr. Carm noticed one RHDD sufferer had an obsession with making milkshakes. [Ah, yes! Rozey made the best milkshakes…] Other obsessions can include things like caring for animals, playing silly games, scaring people, and underwear.

~ RHDD does not go away. The person will die from RHDD…eventually.

~ Breaking a RHDD person’s legs will not permanently stop the dancing. [Don’t ask how we know this.]

-        Finally, although this is incurable, it should not discourage the patients. They should…just dance!

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Remember if you want to be diagnosed, send Dr. Carm an email: drcarmelee@gmail.com

Related Postings:

Bearded Dragon Disease

Verisimilitude Eremita Syndrome

Folivora Ananas Comosus Disease
Overly-Abundant Poker Disorder

Patient #5: Heather

Heather is a new patient of Dr. Carm and has a rather interesting disorder:

Concocting Violaceous Slytherite Disorder (CVSD) 

This blood disorder affects the body in different ways. Some of the more common signs and symptoms include:

1.   Craftiness: Dr. Carm uses the word craftiness here to mean both cunning and creative. People with CVSD can be both or just one. Those who take on the creative side of craftiness exhibit strange characteristics. For instance, they might find that they can only knit duck socks.

2.   Purple: This symptom is constant throughout all CVSD sufferers. When given a choice between red, purple, and olive, they all like the color purple. Some may be more particular with the shade of purple, but it remains that the color purple is their favorite color out of the list. Doctors have argued that this is because the color purple creates a more stable blood flow to CVSD sufferers. Red increases the blood flow, while olive decreases it. Those with CVSD unconsciously prefer more stability, because of their blood disorder.

3.   Slytherite¹: These people match flawlessly with the traits created by J. K. Rowling’s Slytherin house in Harry Potter. They are cunning, resourceful, and ambitious. Slytherin also corresponds to water, which is also why CVSD sufferers enjoy a nice drink (although this does not have to be water.) It’s amazing that Rowling created Slytherins to be so similar to the CVS disorder!

Other possible symptoms include: being in the sun, reading, listening to British accents, and breathing.

CVSD does not have a cure, and most sufferers prefer not to have one. Interestingly enough, they can function in society without too much difficulty. Unless one really knew the person, most people would never suspect a person to have CVSD. This is believed to be part of the cunningness exhibited by the person. Once the symptoms are pointed out, more people are able to recognize the disorder.

For those looking for treatment, they should seek out their primary care physician. Blood tests will be done to verify the blood disorder and possible treatment plans for the symptoms can be discussed. As of yet, no one with CVSD has sought treatment. Therefire, it is undetermined how well the treatments work.

¹ Slytherite is a word created by J. K. Rowling in her early drafts.

Related Postings:
Patient #1: Kayla 
Patient #2: Sam 
Patient #9: OCBD 
 

Patient #4: Desiree

Desiree has an interesting syndrome:

Hydro-Contumelious Atalanta Syndrome (H-CAS)

H-CAS syndrome has actually been around for centuries but has recently been recognized by the medical community in 2012. The earliest known H-CAS case (based on symptoms) dates back to the 4^th century B.C. Intriguingly, the symptoms have not changed for this disorder.

A few of the main symptoms include:

-          Excessive drinking (usually water and/or beer). The known daily record for water consumption for someone who has H-CAS was reported as 100 liters (26 gallons). [NOTE: There have been disclaims about this amount; but regardless, it is well above the normal water consumption.] Although most people with H-CAS do not drink this much in a 24 hour period, they have been known to be addicted to water and beer, holding more than the average person (which is about 2-3 liters). People with H-CAS must be careful because they are more prone to hyponatremia (which is when you drink too much water that your sodium levels drop too low in your blood.)

-          Because people with H-CAS have increased hydration, they also find themselves addicted to things like watermelon—which consists of 92% water (6% sugar). Other foods consist of leafy greens, other melons, and tomatoes.

-          All H-CAS sufferers have contumelious behavior—meaning they speak sarcasm fluently. This is almost always accompanied by side eye behavior. This symptom, in particular, makes it harder to speak to the H-CAS sufferer than those without the syndrome. Hence, the person usually surrounds him/herself with people of similar behavior. By doing this, he or she has a better chance of maintaining relationships.

-          The last main symptom is running. H-CAS has an unnatural need to run long distances despite any other conditions. You can usually find these people in marathons and running outside at the ungodly hours of the morning.

Other symptoms that are common among H-CAS sufferers include: baking (in unusually large amounts) and supporting non-local sports teams.

A person can have all or just a few of these symptoms. Causes for H-CAS have yet to be determined.

There is still much research for H-CAS to be done. If you believe you have H-CAS or know someone who does and would like to participate as a lab rat, please contact Dr. Carm at drcarmelee@gmail.com. She will get you in touch with the right people. NOTE: Unfortunately, Dr. Carm is too busy to conduct the research for H-CAS, so it will be with another medical team.

Related Postings:
Patient #2: Sam
Patient #3: Lyra
Patient #5: Heather
Patient #9: OCBD
Sports Related Concussions

Patient # 3 Lyra

Lyra came to Dr. Carm for help not too long ago.

After a few appointments and tests, it has been concluded that she has Folivora Ananas Comosus Disease (FACD).

Folivora Ananas Comosus Disease (FACD)

FACD has six symptoms and can be diagnosed through observations or blood tests. FACD symptoms include:

1.       Divert sleeping patterns. FACD sufferers find that they lack energy and must sleep longer than most of their human counterparts. It was first determined that FACD sufferers are somnolent and should sleep 15 to 18 hours each day. However, Dr. Neil Rattenborg discovered that only 10 hours a day is sufficient for FACD sufferers to function. This does not mean that they do not like to sleep 15-18 hours. Unfortunately, real life calls them back to the world of wakefulness.

2.       Because their sleep patterns are different than the average human, FACD sufferers exhibit slow movements and poor muscle control. This causes them to move like a Muppet.

In order to gain control of their movements and wakeful state, FACD sufferers try to engage in physical activities such as aerobics. This can cause the person to become even more tired, even though they are pleasantly pleased with their performance.

3.       People who have FACD might find themselves in need of constant hydration. This symptom is partly unexplained by the medical world. Interestingly enough, some doctors have concluded that this helps keep them in a semi-wakeful state. By hydrating often, they must relieve themselves several times throughout the day. This allows them to remain conscious [at least in theory].

4.       Another symptom is obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). For Lyra, one obsessive behavior is nail polish. She has a high need to collect and paint.  She will forgo long-term benefits for the immediate relief of nail polishing pleasure. This disorder is considered at least moderate to severe among FACD sufferers.

5.       FACD sufferers have unusual eating habits. Although they prefer vegetables to meat, they conflict their healthy habits with an abundance of bake goods. They tend to make the bake goods themselves (share a portion of the desserts with others to avoid any guilty emotions) and then consume the rest hidden away in their habitat.

6.       Finally, because they have unusual eating habits, FACD sufferers have been known to self-poison. For instance, Lyra will continue to eat fresh pineapples despite the slight allergic reaction to the bromelain.

FACD is a heredity disorder that can skip every few generations randomly. It is possible that parents and their children have the condition, but it is not necessary.
A permanent cure is not yet available [testing is still being done on humans], but there are ways to help relieve the symptoms of FACD.

Sleep is one way to make people with FACD happy. A note should be obtained from their physician so that they can nap at work. Because sleep is important to those with FACD, the occupation should also allow other coworkers nap time as well. This provides a nice quiet environment to sleep.

For those that suffer from extreme Muppet-like movements, a straightjacket or other restrictive sleeves should be used. This prevents an indirect harm to themselves or others.

Finally, support groups and interventions should be used to prevent self-poisoning. In extreme conditions, commitment in a psych ward might necessary.

*The Muppets were created by Jim Henson and is legally contracted with the Walt Disney Company.

Related Postings:
Patient #4: Desiree 
Patient #2: Sam
Nails
Diet Fads
I Ate Too Much Candy